The Heartstrings of an Angel

I WON’T BE BACK.

EXPECT ME EVERYWHERE BUT NEAR YOU.

AIN’T BITTER…

I’M JUST BEING HONEST.

I no longer know where I should put myself. I’ve tried to hold back from everything before. But it didn’t seem right as I can see on what turned out. It was plain disaster. I lost relationships because of holding back. So when I realised what truly happened, I tend to follow what my heart wished for. But then again, it’s too much. I didn’t get to handle emotions that they poured out unpleasantly. I became what I really isn’t. If I ever died at those times, I might have been found dead under a mask.

What am I to do?

I’m still lost that I can’t find the area in between loving and holding back.

I want to be placed in between.

I want to be reasonable enough to make me hear him and at the same time hear myself.

I just hope I can find my way back.

I’ve gone so far from him, and that’s what I really wanted long ago when my heart was still breaking from everything that had happened to us and what didn’t. I now became so numb that I still feel unshaken despite the sweet words that he’d proclaim. His actions didn’t matter at all. The captured movements of his didn’t get to make me shiver like it crazily did to me before. Merely saying, I’ve got this wall in front of me which divides us. It’s heart-threatening yet I feel safe. Safe from heartaches, nostalgias, and silly fights. If my mind can do the decision alone, I know I’ll have my life ironed out and uncomplicated. But as painful as it is, my heart needs to be heard too. And this time, I’ve got to admit how uncomplicating your life with someone intended for you is very much the essence of falling in love; thinking you’ll get to do the deed with someone you care for and cares for you in return. I guess I just have to accept this fact that if I want to continue breathing, I must stay in love.

In love with God, my faith, and His promise of leading me to the ‘right one’.

Lord, bend my angry wills and tedious steps. I’d like to find my way back to believing that You’ve got the best in store for me. Put crack to my belief on men’s irritating vainness. Give me the shoes that could lead me back to loving…

Oo na. Emo na kung emo.

That’s the issue that pricks me until now e.*cracked*

no words could conceal

no more fights to deal

we just have to admit

it’s done, it’s over.

the power of promises

the qualms you thought were less

all these were felt

when it’s not yet done, it’s not yet over.

but look how hearts fade

the harmony first and then the facade

you make yourself believe you’re better

but then you say,"it’s done, it’s over."

12:18am of the 29th of April

*Badtrip ka ba ngayon?
// huh, di naman.

*bakit ka naman badtrip?
// di nga e.

*kumain kana ba?
// ya, mga 5hours ago pa yun.

*Cnong huli mong naka-usap sa fone knna?
// wala. *huhu!**tawagan niyo naman ako..*

*Aalis/umalis ka ba ngayon?
// umalis.

*San ka naman pupunta/pmunta?
// sa Dasma.

*mahilig ka ba mag-basa ng libro?
// oo.

*may binabasa ka bang book ngayon?
// Meron.

*eh magsulat?
// opo. Poems tsaka sa jots sa diary.

*Anong martial arts ang natutunan mo?
// mag-aaral pa lang ng Taekwondo. If my sched permits.

*Anong favorite food mo?
//Mahilig ako sa bawal(like streetfuds, junkies, and sweets). I’m in love with Japanese cuisine and those that are called ‘lutong-bahay’.

*nahihirapan ka na ba?
// oo! Wala kasing humor si Joshua.

*eh anong balak mong gawin?
// ah, bahala siya. *pikon!*

*pero masaya ka naman?
// uhmm..opo. *grins*

*mahilig ka ba sa mga underground musicians/bands?
// Dpende. Ayoko pag boses bakla yung vocalist. Tsaka dapat gwapo yung guitarista.*blush*       [[IRA CRUZ ROCKS!!]]

*yung minamahal mo ba kapit bahay nio
lang?
// does ‘love’ exist?

*Trip mo ba ang hed kandi?
// Huh? Anu?

*ano tingin mo sa survey na toh?
// Nag-eenjoy naman ako. Hehe

*pano ka talaga magselos?
// di ako nagsasalita about it or nagpapahalata man lang. pero selosa po talaga ako.. tanung nyo po kay anu..

*Pano kung pinayagan ng maging kayo?
// e di “WOW!”

*Cnong last na nag-sermon sayo?
// Si Joshuang praning.

*magpapaka-good girl/boy kana ba?
// I’ve always been good! Minsan lang po ako bad.hehe. Mas bad lang po si Joshua*oh, mapipikon nanaman yan!*

* Anong kanta pinapakinggan mo ngayon?
// OST of Full House.Corny,.

*Anong iniinom mo ngayon?
// laway.

*eh kinakain?
// wala.

*cnong iniisip mo ngayon?
// sarili ko. Sakit ng ulo ko..Para akong lalagnatin.

*namimiss mo na ba pinsan mo?
// sino sa tatlumpu na yun?

*cnong nakikita mong tao ngayon diyan?
// wala po.

*anong ginagawa nila?
// tulog na po sila e.

* nasan ang mommy mo?
// nasa condo.

* eh kuya mo?
// wala po akong kuya

*eh daddy mo?
// nasa kwarto niya.

*may fax machine ba kayo?
// Wala eh.

* may lupa ba kayo sa tagaytay? san dun?
// Sana..Bibilan mo ko?

*unica hija/hijo ka ba?
// hindi po

*anong kulay ng shirt mo ngayon?
// blue.

*may aso ba kayo? anong lahi?
// dalawa na lang-Lab tsaka askal. Patay na si Iris(shih tzu) tsaka si Legolas(Chinese Sharpae).huhu

*love mo ba yung aso nio?
// super! Katabi ko nga sila matulog e. pwera lang dun sa tigok na.

*anong nickname mo?
// Joan, Jai, Jojo(as my cousins and my lola call me),  Bachoy(my bro’s), Bogz(Gzel’s), Angel(bihira ‘to), Eesh(melissa’s), Toan Ato(my petname), Pangit(mumzee’s)

*iyakin ka ba?
// sikreto ko na yun. Pero, oo. Nagtatago lang ako.hehe

*war freak ka ba?
// Mas warfreak siya!

*pero masama ka magalit?
// opo. Try ko sayo gusto mo?

21April2007

Alam kong ika’y tinatago ng Panginoon sa akin. Iniisip ko ngayon, kung paano at saan kita matatagpuan. Ilang pangako pa ba mula sa iba ang aking dapat asahan bago ko marinig ang mas kapani-paniwalang pangako mo? Marami na akong napagdaanan, at gusto ko ng makarating dyan sa pinaroroonan mo. Pero sabi ni Lord, hinay-hinay lang daw. Sa oras Niya, masisilayan din kita.  Andyan ka lang naman diba? Hintayin mo ko ha. Hintayin din kita. Pero kung sakaling naiisip mo ako at kung iniisip din ba kita, tingin ka lang sa mga ring finger mo. Isipin mong in time, anumang daan ang pilit nating pinapasok, magtatapos pa rin ang storya natin na tayong dalawa ang magkasama.

*Ito pong sulat na ito ay para sa taong itinakda sa akin ng Tatay kong nasa Langit. Sana lang kahit di niya pa ako kilala, (at siya din, di ko pa kilala) ay mabasa niya ito.*

P.S.

Lord, itago Niyo lang ho siya ha. Baka makita pa ng iba e.hehe

I was unsually alert by 5am, and am so bummed. So I decided to go to my room and start unclattering it. I slept at my dad’s together with my sis and bro since we’ll be heading back to Manila today. Anyways, as I was fixing my bookstuffs, a cylindrical pink-striped box caught my attention. That’s where I put my make-ups. Okay, I really don’t wear those. I even forget to put gloss most of the times. Yeah. My mom just gave me those for special occassions in case she’s not around. Ang ewan din namin noh. Hindi nga ko marunong gumamit nun e. kulet. Nonsense lang din. but anyways, I tried to put some kanina. I reached for my magazines and followed their step-by-steps made specially for dummies like me. I put on the mascara first. And as expected, nasundot ko yung right eye ko. Ouch. But didn’t give up yet. I continued doing the other. Hehe, and pangit. My eyelashes were divided into 3 equal parts. Haha! Just imagine. I wanted to take that off since I looked like a freak, and my dad might see me. Ayaw nyang may make-up ako.hehe. I headed to the sink and tried to remove it with water. The moment I opened my eyes and faced the mirror..yay! may racoon sa cr! Yeah. I looked like a raccoon. Or a beaten wife. Only I’m not yet a wife. So yeah, it was hard removing it. The mascara, I mean. I didn’t attempt to put some again. Ang pula na kaya ng eyelids ko kaka-wipe. So much for the try-out…

shucks, I hate doing make-ups myself.

Never mend my broken heart. I want it the way it is: shattered and very much of a worry. This way, I can make myself believe that trusting it won’t help me find real sanity. For whenever I love, I get downed and hopeless. Depression kills me.

I hardly ate anything this day. Well, except for a can of Pringles while driving back to Imus. I am just too busy thinking whether i should hold back or give in. I’m afraid of having the different thought compared to his, again.

It feels SO nice to log in here again. Our computer’s been SO wrecked for almost a month now. It’s still a pain in the ass so i’m here in one of the computer shops in the neighborhood. I know. Don’t worry, my brother’s here with me. Anyways, a lot of crazy things happened these past few weeks. Yeah. They almost got me lunatic. I had 3 short-time stalkers in a span of 28days. I slept only 2hours each night for 3weeks. I dunno why I do. But I’ll be working on my beauty sleep this night. At least I’ll try to. Then, I scarred my left knee last saturday. I jumped to the pool then that’s it. Blood flooded. I didn’t cry though. Then uh, I became a stalker myself for this guy. He’s the youngest son of my mom’s friend. I’ve been to their house (with ze family) for quite several times. He also goes to my mom’s just to lurk around. And ‘coincidentally’ I am often there. It’s not the way of ’stalking’ that you think. I just you know, look and whenever he does. And smile whenever he smiles, too. Heeeheee. I’m just sharing.. ^__^ So anyway, um back to the main  topic. We had our field trip last tuesday. It was fun biking and watching the dance presentation of the Philippine High School for the Arts students. They’re really great! I pray to be like them. Then last night, me,my sibs,and my mom had a dinner date in Seaside blahblah. Yeah. I love seafoods and Japanese foods SO much! (Try Teriyaki Boy in MOA.) And today, HS students had long discussions with Pastor. ‘Twas refreshing, though. And right now, I’m trying to bear the noise from the other computers. Come on! They’re all just games. Uh..wanna go home. Ciao!