The Heartstrings of an Angel

I admit. I’ve been bitter. I’ve hated guys and their existence since Mr. Someone and I fell apart. I pushed myself to believe that all of them act as one. "They’re all liars. I can’t see myself trusting any of them," I once said. But on the morning of June the 30th, my devotion melted my resentment against those ‘Ego-centric men’. And upon praying I cried all my emotions, my confession and my call to God. I then realised that it was so wrong to judge them and say rude things to them no matter how they’ve been acting like total meatheads. Yeah. I’d like to share with you some points from my devotion which I’ve jotted on my diary. Here:

PEACE IN OUR LIVES

• John 14:27 Peace I leave you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
• What most people look for, but are unsure how to obtain, is peace.
• When your heart is filled with bitterness, not much peace can fill your heart.
• Christianity is more than preventive psychiatry; it is a gift that brings eternal life, and it’s by-product is peace.
• Obtain peace, right now! How?

1) Stop playing the "Blame Game".

2) Get your relationship right with God.

3)Hold out the olive branch. Life is too short to live with broken relationships.

"Lord Jesus, I have sinned. I need you to fix the problem of my heart. I want your forgiveness. I want your peace."

I’d like to say sorry to ‘you’.

You know who you are…

I’M SORRY.

 Sometimes, it really isn’t the person that you’re breaking up with; or rather saying letting go of. Sometimes, it’s just really giving up on trying to have an uncomplicated life with him.

You want him to be there with you, look at him and try to synchronize your heart with the world. And, gosh, to see him fade away is just plain unfair. Half of your day you think about how it would have been if you just held tighter on his hands. The thinking alone swallows you up. To hide from what you truly feel is just beyond what you can reach. And no matter how you hit your thighs with your fists, the pain that your heart gives still reigns supreme.

You wanted to run. Hoping and praying that the thoughts about him will just be gone with the wind. You try not to falter, balancing your body with the weight of emotions that flow in your veins. But then, after such gasping for air, you broke down and ended up crying. You know it’s a stupid thing to kneel on the hot ground and let your tears be pulled by gravity. But there’s nothing else left to do. There’s nothing with sense you think you could do.

It’s weird, you know he might think. You were the one who decided to cut the line that connects both of you. You wanted to blame yourself for this. You just wanted the world to eat you up so that heartaches will be nothing.

But the day after the night of endless crying, you found the birds singing, all flowers and trees sang out for your victory. The heavens stopped raining for once. The clouds were so amazing that you wanted to eat one. You knew right away that this day, you’ll be able to find yourself again which you lost when you fell in love with him. It’s glorious. It’s touching in a positive way.

Of course, it won’t be easy for me to fall out of love. And I admit that I still feel something for him.

But I also don’t want to be chased by his shadows. I want to find my own. I want to linger alone in solitude with an exceeding joy. I want to break free and just, you know, try to live happily.

I WON’T BE BACK.

EXPECT ME EVERYWHERE BUT NEAR YOU.

AIN’T BITTER…

I’M JUST BEING HONEST.

I no longer know where I should put myself. I’ve tried to hold back from everything before. But it didn’t seem right as I can see on what turned out. It was plain disaster. I lost relationships because of holding back. So when I realised what truly happened, I tend to follow what my heart wished for. But then again, it’s too much. I didn’t get to handle emotions that they poured out unpleasantly. I became what I really isn’t. If I ever died at those times, I might have been found dead under a mask.

What am I to do?

I’m still lost that I can’t find the area in between loving and holding back.

I want to be placed in between.

I want to be reasonable enough to make me hear him and at the same time hear myself.

I just hope I can find my way back.

I’ve gone so far from him, and that’s what I really wanted long ago when my heart was still breaking from everything that had happened to us and what didn’t. I now became so numb that I still feel unshaken despite the sweet words that he’d proclaim. His actions didn’t matter at all. The captured movements of his didn’t get to make me shiver like it crazily did to me before. Merely saying, I’ve got this wall in front of me which divides us. It’s heart-threatening yet I feel safe. Safe from heartaches, nostalgias, and silly fights. If my mind can do the decision alone, I know I’ll have my life ironed out and uncomplicated. But as painful as it is, my heart needs to be heard too. And this time, I’ve got to admit how uncomplicating your life with someone intended for you is very much the essence of falling in love; thinking you’ll get to do the deed with someone you care for and cares for you in return. I guess I just have to accept this fact that if I want to continue breathing, I must stay in love.

In love with God, my faith, and His promise of leading me to the ‘right one’.

Lord, bend my angry wills and tedious steps. I’d like to find my way back to believing that You’ve got the best in store for me. Put crack to my belief on men’s irritating vainness. Give me the shoes that could lead me back to loving…

Oo na. Emo na kung emo.

That’s the issue that pricks me until now e.*cracked*